Serenity now.

Internal dialogue in red. Please enjoy my latest interaction with Time Warner Cable. (I know I didn't).

user Jennifer_ has entered room
analyst Giovanni has entered room

(the excitement is building)

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:53:32 EST 2010)> Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable. We are currently testing our live chat function and appreciate your patience. At the end of our chat you will be given the option of taking a brief survey. My name is Giovanni. Please give me a moment while I access your account.


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 16:53:48 EST 2010)> ok thank you (optimistic...afterall, not having to deal with touchtone menus is good, in theory)


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:53:52 EST 2010)>Hello good afternoon.


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 16:53:57 EST 2010)>hello


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:53:59 EST 2010)>I understand your issue and I will be more than glad to help you in this request.


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:54:18 EST 2010)>Hello, Ms Bulgrin. (I think we've covered the pleasantries, kind sir)


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 16:54:22 EST 2010)>thanks so much (yet...still hopeful)


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:54:35 EST 2010)>You are welcome! (thatta boy!)


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:55:15 EST 2010)>Let me see if I can send this statement via e-mail, I just know that I can send statements by postal mail. (a bit early for excuses, no?)


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:55:18 EST 2010)>May I have a moment please to look that up?


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 16:55:23 EST 2010)>sure


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:56:47 EST 2010)>Have you tried to look it on PayXpress? (Oh really?? Instead of easily checking my statement online, I always prefer to: 1. dig around on a website for 20 minutes to find the contact information for the help desk 2. proceed to call the help desk and get a busy signal for 15 minutes straight 3. reluctantly join their online chat service. Yeah, this was definitely my first option.)


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 16:57:40 EST 2010)>Yes, it has my first two statements...I need just the one for $51.90.


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:58:14 EST 2010)>Oh, I understand. (based on the events to follow, I'd say the grasp of the situation is weak at best)


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 16:58:28 EST 2010)>This statement has not been showed yet? (in cases like these, do you edit the grammar and send back? yes? no?)


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 16:59:32 EST 2010)>It hit my corporate credit card on 1/22. In my last statement, I paid a portion of it personally. The balance was $51.90 which is all I can expense. They said about 3 weeks ago they would send me a new statement for just that amount. It never showed and now I need an electronic version today.


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:01:30 EST 2010)>I see. (do you though?)


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:01:42 EST 2010)>Let me check something here.


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:01:50 EST 2010)>Give me a minute, please.


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:01:53 EST 2010)>ok


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:03:57 EST 2010)>It seems that this amount of $ 51.90 has been paid right now.


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:04:19 EST 2010)>yes I understand...however I need the actual statement to submit to my company


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:04:59 EST 2010)>Unfortunately I cannot send this statement by e-mail. (perhaps this nugget of information would have been helpful oh say, 10 minutes ago)


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:05:21 EST 2010)>Just by postal mail and it will arrive on 5 to 7 days. (just like the last one, right?)


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:05:22 EST 2010)>ok..I really need it. what are the options? can you load it online for me to download??


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:05:49 EST 2010)>No, I am sorry.


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:05:58 EST 2010)>what can you do? (now this may read a bit harsh, but it's not like I was referring to can you read? can you cook? Are there any skills, at all, that you excel at?)


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:06:11 EST 2010)>I do not have the tools to do it. (I'd like to slap you with two wet pasta noodles right now)


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:06:18 EST 2010)>ok, what can you do?


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:06:22 EST 2010)>Just send this statement by postal mail.


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:06:30 EST 2010)>By postal mail. (for added emphasis)


Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:06:45 EST 2010)>ok, that was told to me last time. i need it sent ASAP. it never arrived last time they told me they would send it.


Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:07:29 EST 2010)>I will send this statement right now, but it will arrive in 5 to days days.



Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:07:39 EST 2010)>that's ridiculous

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:08:00 EST 2010)>I am so sorry.

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:08:07 EST 2010)>how am i supposed to provide my company with what they need? is there someone else that can help? (I should have learned by this point that additional questions only complicate the situation)

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:08:37 EST 2010)>Let me ask to my supervisor.

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:08:52 EST 2010)>Please give me just a minute.

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:10:57 EST 2010)>Also, when I go online why does it say I have $147.55 due on 1/23? I have paid everything current. (I will forever kick myself for adding one more layer of complexity to the issue, but alas...)

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:11:26 EST 2010)>yes, your current balance is $ 0.00

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:11:47 EST 2010)>You do not owe nothing. (does Time Warner use double negatives to trick customers? Like now I owe a whole bunch?)

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:12:11 EST 2010)>alright, please let me know what your supervisor says (taking it back to the basics, people)

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:13:27 EST 2010)>My supervisor says that you can go at the nearest TWC cable store and ask for this statement there, because we do not have access this statement but in the store they can print this statement, Ms. Bulgrin. (I'd rather have a root canal than have to interact with these people in person, thankyouverymuch)

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:13:45 EST 2010)>Can you please mail it to me?

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:14:26 EST 2010)>This chat or the location of the store? (yes, this chat, so I can save it like a love letter)

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:14:45 EST 2010)>My bill

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:15:13 EST 2010)>You told me you could mail me my bill? (ohm, ohm, ohm, downward dog, child's pose, ohm, ohm)

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:15:30 EST 2010)>Not by e-mail.

Giovanni (Mon Feb 1 17:16:00 EST 2010) > I can do by postal mail.

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:15:33 EST 2010)>yes, please do that (mutherfucka, shit, goddamn)

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:15:40 EST 2010)>Ok, sure

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:15:49 EST 2010)>Give me just a minute, please.

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:18:25 EST 2010)>May I have your current address to confirm?

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:18:41 EST 2010)>*** Joralemon Street, Apt ### Brooklyn, NY 11201

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:18:52 EST 2010)>Great! (let's dock this ship!)

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:19:00 EST 2010)>All set?

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:19:22 EST 2010)>Yes, this is your confirmation number: 171 249 989 (you can bet your ass this is going in the vault)

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:19:26 EST 2010)>May I help you with another issue, question or request? (let's touch on global warming...)

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:19:32 EST 2010)>think i'm all set, thanks

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:19:40 EST 2010)>You are welcome!

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:19:54 EST 2010)>Thank you for your patience, Ms. Bulgrin. (you have no idea)

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:19:58 EST 2010)>Have a nice day!

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:20:00 EST 2010)>thank you

Jennifer_(Mon Feb 1 17:20:01 EST 2010)>you too! (what? I'm human)

Giovanni(Mon Feb 1 17:20:02 EST 2010)>Again, my name is Giovanni. Thank you for chatting with Time Warner Cable. We value you as a customer and are here to assist you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you would like to take a brief survey please click on "done" and the survey will load.Have a great day! (your name will be seared into my memory for a long, long time)

Giovanni (Mon Feb 17:24:02 EST 2010):0) (ewww, really?)